With Thanksgiving behind us, I'm working feverishly to complete manufacturing and distribution and launch a new line of action figures, the "1995 Political & Social Scene series," in time for Christmas sales. The figures conform to the media's projected image or my impressions. You decide which is which.

The Newt Gingrich figure wields a bloody ax for slashing and cutting budgets. A button triggers his chopping arm and maniacal laughter. Accoutrements include a set of faceless victims: three starving school children, and four pregnant teenagers.

The Bill Clinton figure has two faces, both open-mouthed, revealing silver tongues. Pants around his ankles, he displays "Baby, Light My Fire" boxers. No, scratch that. Clinton said on MTV that he prefers briefs. Standard gear for Clinton includes a saxophone and a shredder. There are two versions of the Clinton figure; the second is the Chameleon model. Just like the real Clinton, this figure changes colors to match whatever environment he happens to be in.

The Rush Limbaugh figure has horns, cloven hooves, a pointed tail, and a trident. Accessories include a crown and royal robe to conceal all the devilish characteristics except the Vandyke goatee, which provides a menacing, mean-spirited, evil look. R.L. Day's facial hair proves this effect. Clean-shaven, both Day and Limbaugh look harmlessly goofy.

No king is complete without a court and no court is complete without court jesters. The Carl Rowan and Jesse Jackson figures spout hilarious rhetoric sound bites. In real life, Rowan and Jackson and other liberal clowns provide the best entertainment King Limbaugh could ask for.

The Hillary Clinton figure comes with a spiffy apron, a pan of cookies, and a briefcase labeled "Arkansas Investments". Standard gear includes twenty wigs enabling the child to modify the "do" to follow the real Hillary.

The Dan Rather model contains a voice box. Press the button and he says, "Blah blah blah, blah blah, and blah!" just like on the evening news.

Any action figure collection requires racial diversity. The O.J. Simpson and Judge Lance Ito figures add diversity while fitting the espionage theme. Ito wears a cloak and O.J. carries a dagger.

Another requirement of any action figure set is an evil opposing force. The obvious choice for an evil and vilified group name is: the Militia. Of course, they aren’t racially mixed. They’re all beer-bellied white guys in camouflage fatigues. Each comes with 19 assault rifles, one of each banned model.

Children should know that all hunters and NRA members like me are not like those beer-bellied, rifle-toting militia guys who wear camouflage every weekend. We’re like that only during hunting season.

Accordingly, the Great White Hunter figure (available in Asian, black, Native American, and caucasion) bears a toothless grin and carries a dead Bambi (fully matured) over his shoulder. Sure to be a big hit with the animal-rights-wacko parents is the creature of their favorite fantasy: a deer who carries assault weapons and stalks hunters...Bambo!

The idea for this new line of action figures came to me after stepping on one of my son’s toy figures. Those little suckers hurt! I’m talking about those little four-inch figures that hide in the carpet, waiting for bare feet.

When I was a child, G.I. Joes were big, macho, ten-inch figures. My Dad teased me and my brother by calling them dolls. "Not dolls, Dad, G.I. Joes!" Last Christmas, Dad bought some of the recently revived larger figures for his grandsons. What a guy!

Now, my wife teases me and my sons about dolls. "Not dolls! G.I. Joes! We're male-bonding, leave us alone....Pow, pow, pow...boom!...."

My psychiatrist friend told me that playing with dolls and toy guns could cause my kids to grow up to be raving NRA gun-nuts, or worse, never grow up. Though skeptical, I asked her to keep it quiet. If word got out, my new line of action figures would never sell. Parents might fear their kids would grow up to be radio talk show hosts, demagogues, paranoid lunatics, clowns, or worse...politicians.

Copyright Ó1995 Steve Scroggins - All rights reserved.